Today, after leaving work an hour late, I felt mentally exhausted but also....well, to be honest, like a terribly sucky nurse. I've been off of orientation for a couple of months now, and this hasn't been a sole occurrence. Am I doing everything that I can do? Why can't I get things done? Am I not organized enough? Why do I get such terrible assignments? Why can't things just go my way? Is something wrong with me? Of course, all of these thoughts have gone through my mind on shifts like tonight's (when I get the chance to think them, at least). But when it comes down to it, here are some things I've realized:
Sometimes work is just plain awful. I really don't like to say things like this, but I'd be lying if I said everything was rainbows and ice cream sundaes all the time. There are days when I want to curl up into a ball and scream for a little bit and then cry while eating an entire tub of ice cream. Unfortunately, you can't even predict when days like this will occur. But here's the thing - I can't blame myself for causing the day to be awful. Sometimes it's totally out of my hands. Of course, this applies to other nurses out there, but I'm pretty sure workers in every field have 'I need to eat all the ice cream ever' types of days. So here's something we need to keep in mind - sometimes work sucks, and there's not much we can do to change it. Of course, this sounds entirely pessimistic and depressing. I assure you, I'm about the most optimistic person out there. But I like to live in the real world, too.
I can't do everything myself. I like to be independent. I always have. And when it comes to work, I like to take care of the things I need to take care of on my own. I don't like asking for help unless I absolutely need it, and even then, it's a little hard for me to do. Quick questions are one thing...but asking for someone's time or physical labor is an entirely different request. And I really hate doing it. Of course, I'm as polite as can be, but I still hate asking people to do things for me. I've come to realize, though, that my day can go from ok to terrible in a matter of minutes if I consistently try to get everything done on my own. RNs have aides and charge nurses and other people for a reason...so we can all work together to make the day go more smoothly. Slowly, I'm getting better at this. But it's still the biggest obstacle I face as a new nurse. Someday, hopefully, I'll feel less guilty about needing help from time to time :]
I can't always be superwoman. As a nurse, I like to think that we play a massive role in the health and healing of our patients. And of course, we do! But, unfortunately, I can't be super nurse every shift I work. I can't always have discussions with my patients about their medical history. I certainly do not have time to bond with my patients every day. Sometimes I can't deliver their pain meds on time. Occasionally I can't even get all of my work done and have to pass it on to the next shift. But you know what? That's ok. That's part of the job...even if it's a little hard to stomach sometimes. I try to give my job 100% all the time - but sometimes 100% doesn't mean that everything goes as perfectly as I had hoped. Things come up, and I can't always be that wonderful nurse that I aspire to be. But that's ok. Just because I can't always do every single thing I wanted to do during that shift doesn't mean I'm a bad nurse. That's life. That's reality. And I need to learn how to accept it!
People are in the hospital because they're sick - and sometimes they don't get better. I love discharging patients. Honestly, there's nothing better than sending someone packing when they're on their way to recovery. It would be ideal and amazing if everyone left the hospital like this. Sadly, that's not the case. And oftentimes when people are in the hospital, their state of health continues to decline, as well. This is hard to see...and sometimes it's really difficult to avoid blaming yourself. "I didn't push the doctors enough to add this medication. I didn't encourage ambulation enough. I didn't keep as close of an eye on them as I needed to..." And so the self blame continues. Of course, nurses make mistakes like everyone else. And so do doctors. And so do aides. And interns. And everyone else in all of the world. But sometimes, sadly, people just keep getting sick and there's not much we can do about it. Health declines, and that's a fact of life. It's hard to wrap my head around at times, but it's something all health professionals need to realize.
For now, that's all I have to say. I'm still loving my nursing career, don't get me wrong, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it was stress inducing and difficult at times. While I'm incredibly optimistic, I also realize the importance of facing reality - and I'm learning more about how to do this with each day.
Toodleoo,
Liz :)
P.S. I went through a bit of a lull on this blog, but I'm going to try my best to post somewhat regularly. Frankly, I missed writing in this space whether I have an audience or not ;)
